Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Cancer. . .

The last time I remember looking at my watch before my doctor called it was about 10:30a.m. I knew if there was news today, the call would be coming through at anytime now. Moments later, my cell phone rang. I felt a queasiness as I reached for it and looked at the phone number in the window. It was Dr. Nate. He asked if I was somewhere I could talk, I replied "yes." I felt my stomach fall to the floor when he told me that we hadn't gotten the results we wanted, four sides were still cancerous. He felt we needed to remove the breast. We went through the same questions as once before, did I want reconstructive surgery and if so I needed to meet with the plastic surgeon next. When the call ended, I put my head on my desk and began to cry. Even though two weeks ago I thought my breast should just be taken off, now I was crying because this was where I was headed.

So that's where I am today. I've gotten my news and I'm waiting for my doctor's office to call me to set up an appointment with the plastic surgeon. I have too many thoughts and too many emotions at this time to even begin to tell you how I feel or what I think. They are just all mumbled together. I know I still have decisions to make and they'll come as I gain and collect more information. The roller coaster ride has not come to an end, it just climbed a high point, plummeted, jerked back and forth a few times and is now moving sort of straight before going towards the next peak.


  1. My Dear Wife, Cyndi,
    As today reaches into the future, you will be healed, you will stay a whole person, you will be cancer free, you will be loved and cherished by all your family, and our Lord God will not let you down.

    Yes the roller coaster is still running, but it will be a joyful ride soon as you jump over the next hurdle, this time you will make the most important decision of your life. The decision is to live, to be the person you are, and continue to be that person for years to come. Your going to beat this cancer.

    I said it before, I say it now, I am here and you will make it.

    God is not a silent God, He speaks to us daily, and He will not stop talking to you now, we just have to listen.

    See How Much I Love You...is not a question, it is our comment, lets never forget it.

    I write this with all my love and admiration to you.

  2. Cyndi, I am so sorry to read your news!! I am praying for you right now. I'm curious, what did the dr. say about your node biopsy? I hope at least that was good news. I will keep you in my prayers and if you will do the same for me also.
    Hugs, Karen/wowmommo@yahoo.com

  3. Oh darling, I am so sorry that you are on this crazy ride. But you know, it is going to be ok. Losing the breast is what was meant to be...you did what was smart...but always knew this was a possibility. But the waiting, the wondering, the what if's are the BAD part of all this. But now, you will regroup, meet with your doctors, get a new plan, and it will be ok. I am assuming your nodes were negative as well. Take that as a victory. And just think--when they take that breast off, all cancer will be gone. They will look through your breast thoroughly, and you will have no more wonders if there are any lurking cells in there. (not to say all worries go away, as you know from ME!) But no more cancerous breast!!!

    When you are done grieving for a bit, start reading about reconstruction. I can answer lots of questions about that if needed.

    Hang in there. Cry as much as you want until you are tired of it and pissed off. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER SOON, I PROMISE!!!!


  4. Cyndi - I had a total right mastectomy on 1/16/08, I was not given the option of a lumpectomy. I am 45 years old and I told myself, that the breast has one use. To feed a baby. My kids are 12 and 18. I kept telling myself that it was only a gland.

    This is a very scary time, because of the unknown. I was afraid that my husband would consider me as "damaged goods". But, he didn't, he was super supportive, your husband sounds like a real gem. Lean on him and the both of you will get through this.

    Once, you have a plan of action with the Plastic Surgeon, you will feel better. I just wanted to get the procedures done ASAP. I will include you in my prayers. You will be fine, but the roller coaster ride is just beginning. Keep your chin up.

    Deb Floor