TO have a B(reast) OR NOT TO have a B(reast)? That is the Question.

I received the call I'd been waiting for from my surgeon today. The results were back from my MRI and it was not showing anything further to be concerned about. (The thought that MRIs don't always show everything they need to was running through the back of my mind.)

The next step. . . My doctor spoke about doing the surgery, re-section, where they go back into my breast to remove more tissue with the goal of getting clear margins. He also asked me if I'd given any more thought or research into what I wanted to do next. Here comes the tough part, which direction do I move in?

If you remember from my first post, I've actually been wondering if it would be better to completely remove the breast. I make that statement because these are the thoughts that have been running around in my head. . .

The tumor that was removed was near the nipple which doesn't leave much tissue left to be removed.

What happens if the tumor is bigger than they thought?

What if they can not get six clear margins? They'll be removing the breast anyway. (It's imparitive that I get clear margins.)

If I have to remove the breast anyway, I'll just have delayed the inevitable.

A few more "what if" questions, a few more "if they" questions and etc. etc. etc.

Here's one of the biggest decisions I'll make in my life about my life and I'm not sure I'm qualified to make it. I'm waiting to speak with my husband and bounce all the ideas and options off of him. (Saying them aloud makes everything a little more real to me.) I'm also checking with my coordinating support person (from the doctors office/hospital) to see who my oncologist might be and if they've had any experience with ACC of the breast. Maybe this person can add some insight based on the information we have so far.

Ok, it's time to occupy the mind with some other thoughts and activities. Till next time. . .

Dealing With Another Day

It's Wednesday morning and I will soon be leaving for work. I won't be there too long before I have to leave for my MRI.

I noticed Molly's latest post and she's welcoming another woman who has ACC. That saddens my heart. . .

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my time running searches for information, reading what I found, joining the "Rare Cancer" forum and reading other women's journey with ACC Breast Cancer. I came to a point where I could read no more. . . I found myself scared, worried, sad and confused.

So many of the women talk about a breast or both having pain for a while, going to the doctors only to be told to cut back on caffeine or having some tests run and the test finding nothing. I talk about this because my right breast (where I have cancer) has had shooting pains off and on for years. I too was told not to worry about it or it was because I consumed to much caffeine, etc. So I would try what was suggested and I just lived with it when it would happen. I got tired of the doctors looking at me like I was a hypochondriac. I accepted the explanation a woman gyenicologist gave me, "I can't explain why some women have these pains and some don't. All I can tell you is other women have these pains and there's nothing we can find that explains the cause." And the problem for me (and I believe other people with this diagnosis) is I ask myself what I could have done differently? Would it of made a difference if I pursued this, not done this, etc.? Could this have been found sooner? Were these pains a sign? Was it a coincidence? ? ? ?

Ok, I'll admit it, I'M SCARED! I don't want to be sick! I don't like this spot-light or focus on me! I don't like telling my family and friends my diagnosis and hearing the pain in their voice or expression on their face. I also don't like how I'm feeling sorry for myself!

Ok, that's where I am right now. Time to change the focus and deal with the day.