Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dealing With Another Day

It's Wednesday morning and I will soon be leaving for work. I won't be there too long before I have to leave for my MRI.

I noticed Molly's latest post and she's welcoming another woman who has ACC. That saddens my heart. . .

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my time running searches for information, reading what I found, joining the "Rare Cancer" forum and reading other women's journey with ACC Breast Cancer. I came to a point where I could read no more. . . I found myself scared, worried, sad and confused.

So many of the women talk about a breast or both having pain for a while, going to the doctors only to be told to cut back on caffeine or having some tests run and the test finding nothing. I talk about this because my right breast (where I have cancer) has had shooting pains off and on for years. I too was told not to worry about it or it was because I consumed to much caffeine, etc. So I would try what was suggested and I just lived with it when it would happen. I got tired of the doctors looking at me like I was a hypochondriac. I accepted the explanation a woman gyenicologist gave me, "I can't explain why some women have these pains and some don't. All I can tell you is other women have these pains and there's nothing we can find that explains the cause." And the problem for me (and I believe other people with this diagnosis) is I ask myself what I could have done differently? Would it of made a difference if I pursued this, not done this, etc.? Could this have been found sooner? Were these pains a sign? Was it a coincidence? ? ? ?

Ok, I'll admit it, I'M SCARED! I don't want to be sick! I don't like this spot-light or focus on me! I don't like telling my family and friends my diagnosis and hearing the pain in their voice or expression on their face. I also don't like how I'm feeling sorry for myself!

Ok, that's where I am right now. Time to change the focus and deal with the day.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I bet you are just glad to see 2008 LEAVE--the year your life turned upside down. 2009 is going to be interesting that is for sure, but you WILL get through it, I promise. I too had the shooting pains--but I do think they are pretty typical of hormones. The day I found my lump my whole breast was killing me and I had shooting pains down into my arm--my hand went right to the lump. The thing that I keep thinking about is how many times I pressed that lump--a million times I bet--to get it to pop or something! And that make me wonder did I make it bigger, did I make it spread?

    There is nothing you could have done differently, I promise. And yes, we will be scared together I am sure. But you are NOT alone.

    Please let us know how everything goes with the MRI. I am sure my blog sisters will be reading your blog as well. I need to put a link on mine so they can find you too.

    Take care-